Silent Movies

So here’s a thing I’d like to share with you: Lupita Nyong’o is fucking gorgeous, isn’t she?

Of Diplomats, Footballers, Jokes, and Cake

There’s something called Paris Syndrome, which is like Stockholm Syndrome except with less cross-country skiing and more museums. That’s actually a lie. The happy truth is that Stockholm Syndrome, where a group of hostages will come to agree with and support their captors, is in many ways the polar opposite of its Gallic counterpart.

Further Adventures in Children’s Television

This is Kipper. He is not a kipper. He is a dog.

Channel SK1N

Jeff Noon, 2012

(January 2013)

I loved Jeff Noon’s books when I was younger. Late teens, early twenties: Vurt, Pollen, Automated Alice. In all honesty I can’t remember much about the actual stories themselves; just the realization of how weird stuff could be if someone really let their imaginations go was startling enough, added to the cracked distortions possible in making the Manchester I kind of half knew as a hum-drum Northern city into this shifted, liminal zone where the future really was possible. And not just possible, but cool.

TV Tarento I Don’t Hate

This will be short.

The Mayor of Toytown

In addition to the frankly embarrassing lawnmower, I’m also now having to contend with the fact our entire house looks like a kids' ball pit in a shopping centre. We’re right next to a little park as well, so we’ve even  got a load of stressed-out mums regularly standing outside the door screaming at children who don’t want to go home. Fun times.

In which I bitch about TV commentators being shit

Which is rather like complaining that water is wet, I know. But Christ on a bike, did you see the Olympics’ closing ceremony on NHK? Just fucking useless. Take a fucking bow.

Epistemologically Unsound Conclusions Concerning Japan and the Japanese, Based on Japanese Television

Number seven in a series of some

“Japanese people suffer from a uniquely severe form
of Stress Incontinence”

To ‘piss yourself laughing’ is a common enough expression. On occasion it’s literally true, a simultaneous loosening of the urethral sphincter and tightening of the abdominal muscles results in unfortunate humour-instigated excretion.

It’s even worse in Japan, as a regrettable genetic trait means laughter causes not just abdominal tightness, but the entire lower half of the body to contract. If the sufferer is sitting, this will propel them bodily out of their chair while simultaneously propelling other fluids out of those self-same bodies. Look at this. And this. Also this.

If something’s worth laughing at, it’s worth standing and pointing at as well. I’d hate to see their dry cleaning bills.

Epistemologically Unsound Conclusions Concerning Japan and the Japanese, Based on Japanese Television

Number five in a series of some.

“Japan is a deeply christian country.”

How else do you explain all that praying? Look at this. And this. Also this. Sure, a few of the early Japanese christians may have been crucified, beheaded, and burned alive, but what religion hasn’t experienced a little youthful exuberance in its formative years?

Japan has to rank as one of the most pious and devout countries in the world, forever and ever, amen.

Götterdämmerung

One of the unexpected benefits of living in Japan is the lack of annoying ambient noise. That might sound slightly strange if you’ve been here a while. Certain towns do love their pointless communal loudspeakers, and noise pollution is pretty endemic.

It’s more personal than that though, because my Japanese is still at a level where I have to concentrate to make it work. I have to consciously ‘turn it on’, and if I don’t then it’s possible to float around in an innocent, prelapsarian state of incomprehension. There is a lot of noise, but it’s devoid of all meaning. Given that I’ve now reached an age where shouting at the TV news is a legitimate hobby, sometimes ignorance really is bliss.

I remember going back to the UK and getting picked up at the airport. Having listened to the ads on the car radio for all of three minutes, if you’d offered to cut off my bollocks so I could use them as earplugs I’d have given your proposition serious consideration.

Epistemologically Unsound Conclusions Concerning Japan and the Japanese, Based on Japanese Television

Number four in a series of some.

“Japanese beer is the infection vector for an ongoing alien invasion.”

You should turn off the sound for this, and don't watch each clip for more than a few seconds, either. I won't be held responsible for any further spread of the contagion. Besides, you’d have thought we’d all know what to look for by now. It’s not like they’re even trying to hide it. Look at this. And this. Also this. Notice how they often (but not always) cut away to wide shots briefly after the initial infection, in an effort to hide the full horror. The male host organisms are able to continue acting in a vaguely human fashion, but the poor female immediately starts to receive orders direct from the mothership.

While I for one welcome our new alien overlords, I do have one small plea to make. It’s all very well making examples of your successful conversions, but please try to avoid showing us the less successful attempts. The looks of pain and fear as they realise what has just happened to them is almost to much to bear.

Epistemologically Unsound Conclusions Concerning Japan and the Japanese, Based on Japanese Television

Number three in a series of some.

“Japanese people are Endopterygota.”

Which is to say that young Japanese 'women' are no such thing. They are in fact just the larval phase of the organism, and will eventually metamorphose into their adult stage, more commonly known as 'old Japanese men'.

I know it seems preposterous. “You idiot,” you cry, “They’re different sexes, not different stages of the same creature’s lifecycle!”

Well, I put it to you that it is you, Sir/Madam, who is the idiot in this discussion. Look at this. And this. Also this. In each case we see the typical example of an older male presenter (often with suspiciously dark hair) paired with a much (much, much) younger female. It is never the other way around.

Epistemologically Unsound Conclusions Concerning Japan and the Japanese, Based on Japanese Television

Number two in a series of some.

“Japan's national psychosis of choice is Puer Aeternus.”

Or Peter Pan Syndrome to you and me. Look at this. And this. Also this. The first involves celebrities answering 'pressure study' questions while dressed as schoolchildren. In the second they actually spend an entire day doing actual exams in an actual (well, fake) classroom while dressed as schoolchildren. In the last they are trying to judge the prices of high-end restaurant food. While dressed as schoolchildren. Because, you know, that whole schoolchild - haute cuisine connection there.

Epistemologically Unsound Conclusions Concerning Japan and the Japanese, Based on Japanese Television

Number one in a series of some.

“Japanese people can’t taste bitter food.”

Look at this. And this. Also this. Oishii and Umai are (seemingly the only) two Japanese words for delicious. These are to be uttered either at a pitch and volume sufficient to make bats’ ears bleed, or in a muffled grunt as you spray your dining companions with the remnants of your half-finished mouthful. And it's the reason for the latter we're interested in here.