Friday, 10 January 2014

How Does He Smell?


Terrible

I know, I’m getting as sick of the (geo)political claptrap as the rest of you but really, this one is too good to ignore. The Japanese and Chinese ambassadors to the UK have been using The Daily Telegraph to perform what I can only assume to be a hideously ill-conceived piece of postmodern performance art, wherein they act out a warped parody of Spartacus by accusing one another of being Lord Voldemort. Yes, that one. From the Harry Potter books. I swear I’m not making this up.

In as much as I care at all about the various sides in this dispute (i.e. very little until the missiles start flying) I obviously have more invested in the Japanese side, but I do have to say that the old saw about Japanese people not being able to argue properly seems, for once, to be holding true. Ambassador Liu gets straight in there with the Harry Potter reference in the very first sentence: it’s an entirely appropriate and understandable analogy flagged up early and providing a direct link with his audience, a link which suggests that they share enough cultural touchstones to be essentially on the same side and which comes nicely home to roost in the final paragraph. Ambassador Hayashi, in contrast, plumps unfortunately for a list of mostly valid but rather recondite whinges and gripes before closing with what amounts to the childish rebuttal of “Yeah? Well it’s not me, actually, it’s you. You smell of poo are Lord Voldemort.” Good job Keiichi! Next time just submit a letter to the editor saying “Whoever smelt it dealt it” and be done with it, eh?

But for better or worse I’m tethered to Team Japan for this particular bunfight, so it behooves me to offer support in some fashion or other. Here then is a list of alternative villains from children’s entertainment that the Japanese diplomatic corps might like to consider invoking the next time they have to cover up for their political overlords acting like bellends:



Smaug

Notes: Dragon. Asleep for centuries but now terrifyingly awake. Vastly wealthy. Jealous and protective. Sounds like Sherlock Holmes.
Suggested Target for Comparison: China



Davros

Notes: Controls massive drone army. Scheming. Funny way of speaking. One-eyed.
Suggested Target for Comparison: China



Boss Hogg

Notes: Huge. Vastly wealthy. Fond of making tenuous claims of property ownership for personal gain. Suspect grasp of economic realities. Ineffective comedy sidekick.
Suggested Target for Comparison: China



Elmer Fudd

Notes: Owns a gun, but you wouldn’t trust him to use it. Funny way of speaking. Occasionally tries to kill and eat ducks.
Suggested Target for Comparison: China



Cruella de Vil

Notes: Vastly wealthy. Excessively fond of tasteless luxury goods. Not averse to a bit of animal cruelty.
Suggested Target for Comparison: China



Colonel Decker

Notes: Militaristic. Obsessive. Hold grudges for waaaay to long.
Suggested Target for Comparison: China



Shredder

Notes: Hates ninjas. Hates turtles. Suspiciously Oriental.
Suggested Target for Comparison: China



Dr. Claw

Notes: Impossible to pin down. Leaves bombs in unexpected places. Likes cats. Disembodied hand.
Suggested Target for Comparison: China



Tom

Notes: Relentless arsehole.
Suggested Target for Comparison: China



Venger

Notes: Evil incarnate.
Suggested Target for Comparison: China



Cranky the Crane

Notes: Prick.
Suggested Target for Comparison: China


There. That should provide enough fodder for at least six months of high-end international diplomacy. Speak softly gentlemen, speak softly…

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8 comments:

  1. Kathryn10 January 2014 at 08:40

    Actually, I'd have thought the suggested target for comparison for Elmer Fudd would be North Korea.

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    1. kamo13 January 2014 at 08:59

      I see them more as the Sheriff Cletus comedy sidekick myself...

      Delete
  2. Will J10 January 2014 at 14:43

    If it could be done without bloodshed, I'd love to see China land a bunch of commandos on the Senkakus, set up defenses and then just sit quietly while the US goes "erm, umm, this is a sensitive issue and requires debate" while Japan seethes and Abe ends up resigning in shame...

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    Replies
    1. kamo13 January 2014 at 09:00

      I like that, but it unfortunately overlooks the fact that Abe clearly has no shame. Aside from that, yes :)

      Delete
  3. Arististhenes10 January 2014 at 15:37

    Fucking Keichi:

    "The Senkaku Islands, which have been peacefully under Japan’s sovereignty for 120 years", apart from the Occupation, after people like me got Japan's ass kicked.

    "Japan’s record over the past 68 years shows the strength of its democracy, its respect for human rights" thanks again to people like me getting Japan's ass kicked, and with plenty of exceptions against: people more brown than the Japanese, Burakumin, Korean-Japanese, women in the workplace, foreign spouses in custody disputes...

    "China’s military budget is... more than twice that of Japan’s" which with ten times the population seems rather more restrained.

    "There have been more than 60 visits to Yasukuni by Japanese prime ministers since the end of the Second World War", members of the LDP, the ruling party of the archipelago.

    "East Asia is now at a crossroads." Yawn. Historians decide that.

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    Replies
    1. kamo13 January 2014 at 09:05

      All true, but I very much doubt that most British newspaper readers would have the knowledge or inclination to do a point-by-point like that. More generally, I doubt very much of them would care either way, which is why it was such a poor attempt at a comeback.

      "Hey guys! Listen to me list all these parochial and petty incidences of minor insults and trivial insults. That'll prove I'm right. Hey guys? Guys?"

      Delete
  4. Chris13 January 2014 at 13:13

    I'd go with the Korea = Cleatus too. I am in shutdown mode after having a shout fest with a student about Nanking last week. I'm just not in the mood.

    +2 for the Boss Hog mention. He could play multiple roles which is amazing for such a one dimensional character. Ya see what i did there ;)

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    1. kamo17 January 2014 at 06:35

      B'dum Tish.

      The Nanking discussion is always a fun one. Were they disputing numbers or (my personal favourite) that it happened at all and is just another attempt by China to unjustly besmirch Japan's good name?

      Delete

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