Monday 2 January 2012

Kicking Puppies

Right in the Kisser

(I was a little cranky when I wrote this. It might be a touch sweary)

Cute mascots. Fucking everywhere. Why? Really, for fuck’s sake why? What possible fucking value could they add in any way to anyone’s fucking life? Even the poor goon in the suit is fucked. You’d hope his employers provide the costume for free, because it’s all he’s got to hide behind once they’ve stripped him of his fucking dignity.

             “But they’re so cute!”

Fuck off with your 'cute'. Just fuck off right now. Cute? When the fuck did 'cute' become the acme of aesthetic appeal? At what point did the country which produced Rashomon, Tokyo Story, and In the Realm of the Senses decide that ‘cute’ was the platonic ideal of visual style? I swear to god that if you tore down every picture of anthropomorphic animals with ribbons in their fucking hair, or of cartoon schoolgirls with too big eyes and too short skirts, and replaced them all with explicitly graphic close-ups of a boiled egg getting shoved up a whore’s cunt it would still be a less disturbing environment in which to go about your daily business. The entire country feels like a fucking yiff expo. 

Cute? Fuck. It’s a disease, a plague. A syphilitic sore on the otherwise beautiful face of your favourite call girl.

“But they make important information more accessible to people!”

Really? Do they fucking really? Which people exactly, and what information? Warnings about the ore ore scams carried out by unscrupulous arseholes? The scams targeting mainly the elderly? The same generation who strapped themselves into dive-bombing zeros and ate building materials during WWII, for the greater glory of the Empire? I’m sure they’ll feel fully appreciated being patronized by a fucking cartoon bulldog.

“Not them. Their children.”

Their children are retired as well, fuckwit. And their children are paying bills, rates, and fucking taxes. I sincerely fucking hope that they aren’t basing major financial decisions on the presence or otherwise of day-glo humanoid wildlife.

‘Honey, which bank should we go to for our mortgage? Which lender shall we entrust with the material wellbeing of ourselves and our children? Which institution shall we place ourselves in hock to for most of whatever remains of our time on this planet?’

‘Well Dearest, shall we choose the one which offers the best interest rates? The one which has the best reputation for understanding and reliability? The one which has the most approachable and knowledgeable staff?’

‘Nah, fuck it. These guys have a badly drawn menagerie led by a hypothermic bear. They’re the ones for us’

What kind of person is unable to sleep easier knowing that consummate fucking professionals of the Japanese police force are out there fighting the shadowy forces of organized crime, and the Japanese self-defence forces are keeping the borders tighter than a gnat’s arsehole, without first being reminded of the facts by a bollock-naked orange mouse?

Children. That’s fucking who. The entire country has major, serious, grown-up problems. Yet somehow they’re still spending my fucking money on this shit. Japan's the most aged country in the world, and it's going to take a lot more than fucking sock puppets to deal with the bogeymen under its bed.


Oh, and Happy New Year.


  1. Right with you. Sometimes you just have to let it all out.

  2. "The same generation who strapped themselves into dive-bombing zeros and ate building materials during WWII, for the greater glory of the Empire? I’m sure they’ll feel fully appreciated being patronized by a"

    I often wonder how the old folks feel about the rapid decline of everything (salaries included for the past generation)...There is a massive cultural gap within the generation gap. It's absofuckinglutely bizzare to observe sometimes.

    Happy New Year BTW!!

  3. A good ribs hurt and then my face felt kind of funny from smiling. Then I was disturbed and am sure to be angry later. The kitsched cuteness here is worse than any b movie pink flamingo invasion imaginable. I'm not saying Nietzsche lied when boldly stating "That which does not kill us makes us stronger." I just wish the J-cute would do one or the other. The shit (Unchi-kun) even smiles. On that note, Happier 2012.

  4. Just clicked through maybe not even half of the embedded feeling nauseated and a little scared. Thank you and okay!

  5. Ant - Yep. Cultural relativity is all very well, but some stuff is just freaky no matter how you look at it.

    Chris - Reminds me of that soldier who refused to surrender after WWII. When they eventually got him back to Japan he was so disillusioned by what it had become he emigrated. 'Course he had been fighting a war by himself for 30 years, so might not be so representative.

    Will - After finding all those I hope my pc isn't seized by the police. It would look decidedly dodgy. I really, really regret not turning safesearch on to maximum when I was looking for that yiff link.

  6. OMG funniest blog post ever. And you haven't even started on women over the age of 13 wearing clothes covered in Disney characters!

  7. I felt I should leave it there for the good of my blood pressure.

    It's fucking endless though. I once saw a bosozoku wearing pink Hello Kitty slippers on a train. Apparently it was only me who felt they undermined the rest of his image somewhat.

  8. Brits just love looking down on the Japanese, don't they?

  9. Hello Mr/Mrs Anonymous! Thanks for dropping by and sharing. If you could read the disclaimer before doing so again, that would be just peachy.

    I'm also not sure what you mean by 'The Japanese' though. This post was about puppies, the little cunts. It's there in the title. I hate them with a passion which borders on the monomaniacal. The whole 'Japan' thing was just a metaphor.

    Please ignore the other commenters above who appear to think I'm massively over-reacting about a trivial matter for comic effect. Anyone who knows me will tell you I have no sense of humour. I'm glad to have finally met a kindred spirit.

  10. Well, I did warn you... ;)

    (I mod comments on the older posts as for some reason there are a few that are like catnip to the spambots. Thanks for stopping by and commenting though!)