Friday 7 February 2014

One Star

One-star reviews. They’re great. Not for the authors, obviously, but for everyone else they’re an unbridled joy being as they usually are completely unfair, ill-founded, incoherent, and irrelevant. I don’t generally like panning books here (though that’s not wholly true; I just don’t like reading books which are likely to deserve a panning), but sometimes there can be something quite cathartic about just letting loose whatever ill-formed brain-vomit is frothing about at the top of your head. So here are a few one-star reviews from Amazon, some of which are genuine, and some I’ve fabricated myself.

Look, it’s either this or bang on again about the continued shit-fountain that is the NHK board of governors*, and I don’t think my will to live can survive much more of that unscathed.

1.    “Thought this would be a great book. Sadly it wasnt.”

2.    “this book was a complete waste of my time.Goes on and on about the things. I can't believe all the hype about this book.”

3.    “Blacks were valuable property and not routinely mistreated.”

4.    “I found the lack of elephants disappointing.”

5.    “was not a book that inspires as it is written in the first person and books that are written this way do not really read very well as it such it reads me me me”

6.    “I purchased this in the normal sense of thinking it will really hit on identities and sex and how the two mix along side of being fans and paid for sex.

7.    “I did not order this book no one uses my kindle got a surprise to see this come on my kindle no one else here to do this don't try it again”


9.    “It is highly likely that I will be dead before the final volume is published. If you are over 65 (like me) then I suggest not starting something you will not be able to finish.”

10.  “I like giraffe erotica as much as the next man, but there were too many plot-holes and the characterization of Horny Longneck the Indefatigable was frankly unbelievable. His relationship with Susan seemed contrived and the Feeding Time scene bordered on the distressing.”


12.  “Very tedious with too many repetitive sentences. The author divides the human kind in two main categories.Couldn't find interesting at all”

13.  “My two dogs just destroyed a paperback copy of this book; making them far more astute literary critcs than most.”

14.  “I must be honest I just did not make it to the second chapter of this book I was so board.”

15.  “the postman left a missed delivery notice even though I was in all day.”

16.  “I should have seen the writing on the wall when the main character has a psychic cat living on her shoulders.”

17.  “I was stung by a bee during chapter four.”

18.  “This book is a con. At no point does it instruct you on appropriate methods of mockingbird extermination.”

19.  “Could not see the point,defeat after defeat , but hoping all the time there would be some success,there was some at the very end”

20.  “Graphic violence is the best this book has to offer”

21.  “Too much violence.

22.  “i cant understand the completely unnecessary need for sex at all in graphic detail be it straight or homosexual .i had enough of reading about who did what in whos orifice about 3/4 of the way through and will not be reading any more of this or anything of simiLAR ilk by the author.

23.  “I really enjoyed the book”

24.  “This is the worst book I have ever read and the spelling is atrocious.”

25.  “The book was ok by I got confused in a few chapters and some of the way it was wrote was confusing”

26.  “Too many gays.”

27.  “book started okay thats why i bought it but it seemed to lose its way the father was clearly unhinged but the laughing chasing ghost it all got ridiculous not worth the money”

28.  “Brilliant and heartbreaking at times, but worth reading couldn't put it down looking forward to more of her books soon I hope”

29.  “Too much gay violence.”


31.  “In French the same word 'histoire' is used for history and story. Not an accident.”

32.  “The language was too awkward and the style was obviously old English and slowed my reading down. There were no bodies in the first 15% so I lost interest.”

33.  “This book needs more violent gays.”

34.  “I own a Kindle (which I love) but I am not going to buy this as it is OVER A POUND CHEAPER IN HARDBACK! An absolutely disgraceful rip off.”

35.  “I was told there would be cake.”

36.  “On the positive side, GRRM is a much better writer than Dan Brown.”

*Talking of ill-formed brain-vomit etc etc….


  1. This is a clever attempt, but call me lazy I could use a few of the book titles.

    1. "This is a clever attempt..."

      Ouch. I'd be lying if I said this was my strongest effort, but there's faint praise and there's faint praise, y'know ;)

      As for the titles, I find that half the fun is trying to imagine what the books could be (well, I say 'fun'...). Truth is I've kind of forgotten where I nicked a lot of them from; there are a good amount from crappy self-published efforts with shitty MS Paint covers. However, I'm pretty sure there's stuff from Twelve Years a Slave, Bringing up the Bodies, Game of Thrones, and The Steel Remains, among others.

    2. Wasn't trying to be a cnut, really. I'm just always so tired, and wanted the references, but not do the mental work.

    3. I probably should have included another winkey emoticon or two there, eh? No explanation necessary, and I certainly don't think you're a cnut (a least not for this ;)

      Getting called out when I phone it in at least means there's someone out there who can tell the difference, which is strangely reassuring :)

  2. Number 9 is soooo legit it's not even funny...

    1. Even more so when applied to the writer as well as the reader.